Do you struggle with making and maintaining meaningful relationships with those close to you? How exactly do we move beyond superficial conversations and connect with people on a deeper level? Before diving into that, we need to define what a connection entails.
What exactly is Connecting with people?
Real connection is more than just talking to others or sharing interests. After all, we can talk for over an hour with someone about movies, or politics, even if we secretly can not stand them. A connection is a bond built on mutual trust and a sense of belongingness.
If you often find yourself stuck in meaningless and unsatisfactory conversations with people or have felt like an observer looking in from the outside, you might have trouble connecting with people.
Here are a few reasons why it might be so:
You are in the wrong crowd.
We all waste too much of our time and energy trying to fit in places we do not belong. It could be that you are pretending to be a different person to be accepted into a social circle, or your ‘friends’ might not want you around.
In either of the two cases, we must realize that we have only a limited amount of time and energy to give– hence we should put it where it matters the most.
Too focused on social media.
Social media has made ‘connecting’ easier and quicker. Now we can connect with people from all corners of the world, which has somehow led to more superficial relationships. When we are making friends online, we try to show them our best possible side, and that accounts for a very one-dimensional friendship.
We can not truly connect with someone’s ‘online persona’ which is generally a lot more different than how someone is. If we want to form a connection with someone, the best way is to spend time getting to know the real person.
At the same time, we spend too much of our time documenting our memories to post on social media. Instead, we should start living them by being present in the moment. An excellent way to do so is by ditching the phone when we are around our loved ones.
Always too busy.
We can not spend all our time socializing unless our job description includes being paid to meet people. But having a social life is important for social creatures like humans.
If we are always too busy to spend time with the people we love, we won’t ever be able to get to know them. Hence, we will never feel the connection we crave. If you want to make genuine connections, it might be a good idea to reevaluate your priorities and make socializing with people first on the list.
You are hyper-focused on your flaws.
“Why would people want to befriend someone like me?”
“I need to focus on myself! People will come and go.”
If you think like that, then you might be a ‘Hesitator’ when it comes to relationships.
Hesitators usually have unrealistic expectations of themselves. You might often hesitate before seeking out friendships because you are too focused on your flaws. Remember that no one is perfect, Hence, if you genuinely want others to embrace you, you must first embrace and accept your shortcomings.
Always finding the negatives in others.
“They arrived late today; they must not value other’s time!”
“They don’t use Instagram! How scandalous!”
If you are quick to judge people based on their actions, then you are probably a Maximizer. This means that you look for someone with a perfect score when it comes to choosing a friend. And even though it is not necessarily bad, it makes you hyperfocus on things that won’t even matter in the long run.
As a maximizer, you always wait for someone better to find you. This leads to unrealistic expectations of others which is the perfect recipe for disappointment.
To counter this, one must try to be a Satisfier. A Satisfier is someone who looks for ‘just enough’ in people. No, they do not settle but are rather satisfied with others. They do so by not placing very high expectations on others and not judging them too quickly. It allows them to connect with people on a deeper level.
Bad at listening.
As Simon Sinek has said, “There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak.” And usually, when we are talking to someone, we are not listening, but just waiting for the other person to shut up so that we can start speaking.
If we are bad at listening, then we are not trying to connect with the other person and are usually emotionally dumping. On the other hand, if we genuinely listen to our friends, it will help them feel closer to us, and conversations will no longer be a “one-way street”.
Emotionally unavailable.
Emotional unavailability might be a major reason why you don’t feel connected to people. It might stem from various reasons, including childhood trauma, abuse, and emotional neglect.
If you find that no matter how hard you try, you can not feel connected to others, it might be because you are terrified of forming a genuine connection. You will not feel close to anyone since you subconsciously try to push them away and establish a ‘wall’ to prevent vulnerability.
To tackle this, we must learn how to be vulnerable– first to ourselves and then to others.
What’s more to building meaningful relationships?
There might also be many psychological reasons you feel like you can not connect with people– like depression, social anxiety, childhood trauma, and trust issues. Remember that the first step to solving any problem is acknowledging its existence. If you recognize the issues, you can start working on resolving them.
The secret to overcoming loneliness and living a more satisfying life is to push yourself and search for opportunities to interact with others. It might range from joining a club with like-minded people to reconnecting with an old acquaintance or volunteering for a cause you care about.
This was a well-researched article and an easy read! Thank you for this post.