Life is a one-way street by Tanisha Goveas

Life is a one-way street.

You may go through many twists and turns – you may even take U-turns and end up in places you’ve been before. But you can never really go back.

Not even when you really want to. It’s kind of terrible really. Whether you’ve just thought of the perfect comeback to an argument you had 6 years ago, or you just understood a joke someone made 2 days back, or you want to go back to the feeling when you read your favorite book for the first time – you can’t. I have a running list in my mind – of all the things I would change if I went back.

I wouldn’t eat biscuits during class in 3rd standard. Thereby avoiding the punishment. I wouldn’t become friends with that girl in 6th standard. Then I wouldn’t be haunted by her voice telling me “We can’t be friends anymore because you’re jealous of me. You’re ugly and have curly hair and I can’t be seen with you.” in 9th standard. I would have chosen physical education over entrepreneurship as an elective in 11th and 12th. I wouldn’t go to the colleges I went to, and done the internships I did, and would have learnt more and studied more. 

How sad is it to think I am made up of regrets? Everything that I am today, my tough skin, my analytical mind, my love for stories, my reading between the lines – it’s all made up of the things that broke my heart, and didn’t blow my mind enough. Every unmet expectation and goal that I didn’t achieve has made me who I am. Life is disappointment.

But I recently stumbled upon this realization. Life doesn’t matter. Just like millions of people I got COVID last Jan. And people rallied around me to support me. My neighbor made kadha for me every morning and brought it to my door. My friend would send a dabba from her house so I wouldn’t have to cook and could rest and take my meds on time. 

It just made me more mindful of the love I have in my life. I have a combined dating experience of 6 months, in the 27 years of my life. So I always figured that I hadn’t experienced love. “I’ve been unlucky in love.” I would tell my friends when they would gush about their boyfriends, and fiancees, and now their husbands. 

But love isn’t just a romantic candle-lit dinner, it isn’t just a stroll holding hands through the park, it isn’t just a cheesy insta post on your birthday. Love is your aunt calling you over cuz she got a new bottle of rosè and knows how much you like it. Love is your uncle making home-made heart-shaped chicken nuggets for your birthday. Love is your mom listening to you info-dump about Taylor Swift. Love is your grandmother holding your hand walking down the stairs. Love is your best friend sending you every marvel meme they see cuz you’re a fan. Love is your sister fighting with your father cuz he called you a bitch. Love is your childhood bestie throwing you a surprise party cuz he knows you’re going through a rough time. Love is your cousin sending your resume to all his industry contacts when you’re looking for a job. 

Love is waiting at a restaurant for your ex-roommates for almost an hour cuz they’re late – AGAIN. Love is buying my cousin the latest Rick Riordan book just so I can borrow it to read once he’s done. Love is tailing my best friend’s kleptomaniac aunt throughout the wedding to make sure she didn’t steal anything that day. Love is oiling your mom’s scalp to encourage hair growth after her chemo. Love is bad-mouthing your sister’s ex when she’s thinking of going back to him. Love matters.

Life doesn’t matter – but love does. Love makes life matter. Even when I don’t love myself, even when I really hate myself – the love I have for others, and the love they have for me, makes life matter, it makes living matter.